More Than a Feeling: The Truth About Love

Prologue

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.  There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.  You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.  Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go.  And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last.  If the old fairy tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were.  Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?  What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

“But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.  Love in this second sense — love as distinct from being ‘in love’ — is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.  They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. . . .

“Being ‘in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being ‘in love’ was the explosion that started it.

“If you disagree with me, of course, you will say, ‘He knows nothing about it, he is not married.’  You may quite possibly be right.  But before you say that, make quite sure that you are judging me by what you really know from your own experience and from watching the lives of your friends, and not by ideas you have derived from novels and films.  This is not so easy to do as people think.  Our experience is colored through and through by books and plays and the cinema, and it takes patience and skill to disentangle the things we have really learned from life for ourselves.

“People get from books the idea that if you have married the ‘right person,’ you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ forever.  As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamor will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one.  In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last.” –C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity [emphasis mine]

Next to the 13th chapter of the Apostle Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian church, C.S. Lewis’ eloquent explanation of true love in his seminal book, Mere Christianity, is the most insightful, brilliant, and helpful teaching on this subject that I have ever encountered.  If couples and singles alike would latch on to the crucial distinction Lewis makes between “love” — understood properly as a purposeful, principled act of the will — and the passive, emotionally driven, transient phase of being (or falling) “in love,” I am convinced that far fewer marriages, particularly among Christians, would end in divorce.

Before one can progress down the path toward right thinking, however, wrong thinking must first be exposed, confronted, and unlearned.  Such are my objectives with this essay.

Love According to the World:  An Irresistible Force?

Virtually ubiquitous in movies (e.g., “chick flicks,” such as pretty much every film that airs on Lifetime or Hallmark Channel), TV series (e.g., daytime soap operas, all the Beverly Hills 90210-style teen/young adult dramas, match-making reality shows, and even the seemingly innocuous sitcoms popularized during my childhood, such as Saved By The Bell), Pop music (listen to anything on Top 40 radio . . . on second thought, don’t!), and so-called “Romance” (read:  emotional/literary porn) novels is the fatalistic notion that love is an uncontrollable, amorous compulsion, as opposed to a conscious, disciplined choice.

Much like a disease, love is usually depicted in media as something that just happens to people and that they cannot control once it gets going.  Consequently, when attraction to another takes over their feelings, they throw caution to the wind, break up with their significant other or, worse, leave their spouse — and, sometimes, their children as well — and like the proverbial moth to a flame, the individual mindlessly follows his/her emotions & hormones straight into the arms and bed of someone else.  And more often than not, this person’s treacherous behavior is received with complete understanding, sympathy, and moral acceptance by the general public.

“Another notion we get from novels and plays is that ‘falling in love’ is something quite irresistible; something that just happens to one, like measles.  And because they believe this, some married people throw up the sponge and give in when they find themselves attracted by a new acquaintance.  But I am inclined to think that these irresistible passions are much rarer in real life than in books, at any rate, when one is grown up.  When we meet someone beautiful and clever and sympathetic, of course we ought, in one sense, to admire and love these good qualities.  But is it not very largely in our own choice whether this love shall, or shall not, turn into what we call ‘being in love’?  No doubt, if our minds are full of novels and plays and sentimental songs, and our bodies full of alcohol, we shall turn any love we feel into that kind of love:  just as if you have a rut in your path, all the rainwater will run into that rut; and if you wear blue spectacles, everything you see will turn blue.  But that will be our own fault.” –C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity [emphasis mine]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a positively frightening idea.  No, seriously, it should really creep you out.  Why?  The reason is that this understanding of love not only removes the moral component and individual responsibility from romantic decision-making but also erases the vital line that separates human attraction and human action, thereby effectively reducing human relationships to animal relationships.  (Undoubtedly, the extrapolation of Charles Darwin’s theory of biological evolution to anthropology and sociology is much to blame for this and a host of other intellectual and moral messes that careful thinkers in the so-called “Post-Christian” era must resolve to clean up.)

Humans vs. Animals:  Why the Imago Dei Makes ALL the Difference

The peculiar thing about animals is that they do whatever comes naturally.  (Pardon the following illustration, but this is important!)  As Christian apologist and radio show host Greg Koukl once observed, when a male dog indiscriminately mounts a female dog (or a male dog, or a fire hydrant, or your leg), it would be silly to accuse the pooch of rape or sexual assault, because fauna, unlike homo sapiens, were not created in the image of their Maker and are not moral creatures.  Furthermore, since animals do not possess a conscience (i.e., an intuitive awareness of right and wrong), they are not morally culpable to their Creator.  Thus, animals simply act on whatever desires they have without concern for the ethical propriety or ultimate consequences of their behavior — and, quite rationally, we don’t blame them for that.

Humans, on the other hand, are a different story.  Because God specially fashioned mankind after His likeness, we are distinct from — and are of superior worth to — everything else He made (cf. Genesis 1 & 2).  Assuredly, human beings are the crowning jewels of God’s creation.  (Allow me to pause here to extend my condolences to PETA.)

The Latin term for this biblical doctrine is imago Dei, which means “image of God.”  Understand, though, that being made in the image of God does not mean that humans are equal to or exactly like God.  On the contrary, God is a unique, uncreated, self-existent, non-contingent, eternal, infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing Being who, in one sense, is unlike any created being or thing (cf. Exodus 15:11 and Isaiah 40:25, for example).  Indeed, God possesses what theologians call incommunicable attributes  — incommunicable in the sense that God’s qualities (e.g., His eternality, power, and knowledge) are perfect, infinite, unlimited, and not transferable to His creation.  Having said that, humans — God’s image bearers — possess the communicable attributes of God, which are certain characteristics that God graciously allows us to share with Him in some finite, limited measure.  These attributes enable us to know God and communicate with Him.  For example, because God is spirit, His image bearers have a spirit whereby we, as opposed to all other created things, can have a personal relationship with Him.  Likewise, because God is a moral Being (indeed, He is the absolute, unchanging standard of moral perfection), humans reflect that quality also in that we too are moral beings and are accountable to God for the choices we freely make or refrain from making.

A critical point to bear in mind here is that the entire human race is fallen, which means, at a minimum, that each of us experiences and acts on thoughts or desires to do evil.  (The fallenness of humanity entails more than this, but certainly not less.)  Of course, having been crafted in the image of a God who is absolutely righteous and full of grace, we also experience and act on thoughts or desires to do good; however, we are not compelled or coerced to act on one desire or the other.  Again, like God, we also possess a will, which gives us the freedom to choose whether or not to act on the thoughts or desires we experience.

Accordingly, although humans may not be able to control the thoughts, desires, feelings, or attractions we experience, we nevertheless always have control over the behavior we freely choose in response to them.

The great danger in contemporary thinking about love, which, again, essentially equates human romance with animal mating, is that it ultimately absolves individuals of moral responsibility in their relationship choices.  Thus, people today feel perfectly justified in abandoning their spouse (or significant other) whenever that particular attraction loses its appeal or whenever someone perceived as more attractive steps into the picture and titillates their fickle hormones.

“Human beings have an endless capacity for self-rationalization” –Chuck Colson

[Note:  There is a religious twist to this terrible idea, too, that I think is important to address.  A lot of younger Christians are guilty of over-spiritualizing their relationship choices, particularly when they want to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and aren’t sure how to handle it.  As a result, instead of owning up to their uncomfortable decisions, they essentially blame God for them, not unlike Adam (cf. Genesis 3:11-12).  One example of this would be a girl telling a guy that she cannot go out with him because the Holy Spirit “told” her that this fellow is not the guy He has chosen for her to marry.  In my own experience, I know of a young woman who once telephoned her boyfriend while he was at work and blindsided him with the consternating and devastating news that God had “spoken” to her in a dream the night before and had essentially warned her to stay out of his life because she was “getting in the way of God’s plans” for him.  (Yeah, that was painful, especially since this young man had every intention of marrying this particular gal; and up until that phone call at least, she had clearly and repeatedly expressed the same intentions.  Bummer!)  First, the idea of receiving such private messages or extra-biblical divine revelation from “God” is not biblically sound and probably violates Deuteronomy 4:2 & 12:32, Proverbs 30:6, and Revelation 22:18-19.  Second, it is a sin to pass the buck to the Almighty for a decision that we alone are responsible for making.  Why not be honest and tell the person whom you’re not interested in dating or marrying, “I need to be completely honest:  I’m not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you” or “You know, I really don’t think we ought to get married,” instead of hiding behind a pious-sounding cop-out that makes God out to be a villain?  Just an idea.]

As anyone reading this knows, human beings (because we are intrinsically sinful, as noted earlier) experience a number of inclinations every day that we ought not act on, lest we hurt or destroy ourselves and/or other image bearers of God.  (This is why governments are necessary, by the way!)  Suffice it to say, while Fido (the dog) may be excused for living by impulse whenever he’s “in the mood,” the Lord Jesus Christ — the Supreme Judge of the universe — cannot and will not give you or me a pass for hopping in bed with whomever (or whatever!) we find sexually desirable, as if we have no other choice but to follow those attractions wherever they lead, as opposed to resisting our fleshly desires, denying ourselves, and obeying the One who truly knows what is best for us.

“The difference between just doing what comes naturally and principled self-restraint is called civilization.” –Greg Koukl

 

The Folly of Following Feelings

Contrary to the bill of goods popular culture incessantly sells us, love is not merely a feeling, nor is it some kind of magical, capricious, irresistible, sensual force that randomly overtakes a person’s senses and behavior for a spell, only to dissipate one day just as unexpectedly as it first began, as if “Love Potion No. 9” has finally worn off.  [Note:  While such sensations often do accompany genuine love, at least and usually exclusively in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship, they more frequently signify lust, which is the great enemy of love and what Jesus described as “adultery of the heart.”]

Such viscerally-driven foolishness overwhelms clear thinking in the relativistic, “true-for-you-but-not-for-me” fantasy world of the Postmodern era — an age in which people think with their feelings instead of with their minds.  The Postmodern thinker’s rationale goes something like this:

“If it feels right to me, then it is true for me that it is morally okay to proceed.”

Even though you may not realize it, you encounter this “follow-your-feelings” madness all the time.

“Being with her feels so right, it just can’t be wrong!” he insists.

“I can’t help falling in love with someone else!  Fate brought us together!  I just don’t feel the same way about him anymore,” she rationalizes.

“Follow your heart, honey.  You’ll just know when the right one comes along,” her mother advises.

Repeat after me:  BALDERDASH!!! 

Tell me, if punching you in the face feels right to me, does that make it okay?  Furthermore, if I feel like knocking you out, do I not have the ability to resist raising my arm and swinging my fist?

Similarly, if a woman stops feeling like staying with her husband and taking care of her “burdensome” children, has she no power to stop herself from forsaking them and going through with her plans to move to another country with a new love interest where she can pursue her feminist fantasies?

In other words, does the mere fact that feelings change give people a moral license to do whatever the heck they please?

And what’s up with instructing someone to follow their heart?  Seriously?!  Let me tell you what God thinks about the human heart.  Believe me when I say, it’s not pretty:

“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick.  Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, emphasis mine)

“He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely [i.e., trusts in God] will be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26, emphasis mine).

“The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil, and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives” (Ecclesiastes 9:3, emphasis mine).

“For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness” (Mark 7:21-22, emphasis mine).

Ouch!  Make no mistake about it:  The human heart — which, in Scripture, refers to the whole sum of the inner person, including the mind (intellect), will (volition), emotions, and conscience — is a vile, misleading, and hopelessly unreliable guide that is (in its natural, unregenerate state) at war with God.  That’s why Jesus says that all people need a new heart or nature in order to be reconciled into a right relationship with our Creator and to enter His glorious kingdom when we die (cf. Ezekiel 36:22-27, John 3, and 2 Corinthians 5:17).

Dispelling More Myths About Love & Marriage

Lest I forget to address it, you know that prevailing idea in our society about there being only one person in the whole world who’s right for you to marry; and if you don’t find and marry that one person or “soul mate” (a New Age concept, by the way), you will completely wreck God’s perfect plan for your life and potentially throw the entire universe out of balance?  Yeah, well, thankfully, that’s a load of bunk too!  I’ll let pastor-author Kevin DeYoung dispel that trendy myth in his own witty way:

“And while I’m jumping on toes, let me explode the myth of ‘the one.’  Yes, in God’s secret providence, He has just the right person picked out for you. . . . [However,] I know this will sound very unromantic (especially to some of the ladies), but don’t think that there is only one person on the whole planet to whom you could be happily married.  You’re not looking for that one puzzle piece that will interlock with yours.  ‘You complete me’ may sound magically romantic, but it’s not true.  Yes, men and women are designed to rely on one another in marriage.  However, the biblical formula for marriage is not half a person plus half a person equals one completed puzzle of a person.  Genesis math says one plus one equals one (Genesis 2:24). . . .

“Don’t think that ‘I’ve met this great gal, but what if she’s not the one?  What if the one is in Boise and I haven’t found her yet?’  Don’t do that to yourself.  Don’t fret about finding your soul mate.  And especially after you’re married and you’re having difficulties, don’t tell your pastor, ‘I’m going to file for divorce; he just wasn’t the one.’  The problem with the myth of ‘the one’ is that it assumes that affection is the glue that holds the marriage together, when really it is your commitment to marriage that safeguards the affection.  So ditch the myth and get hitched.” –Just Do Something, p. 109 [emphasis mine]

According to the Bible, God’s moral will concerning marriage is clear and uncomplicated:  A believer who wishes to get married must marry one Christian of the opposite sex who is not a close relative.  [Note:  If the person you want to marry was previously divorced, he or she must be biblically free to remarry.  For more on this, see Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 and read Matt Slick’s helpful article here.]  In short, if the person you wish to pursue meets those straightforward criteria, then you have God’s permission to marry that individual.  Put a different way, anyone who meets those criteria is biblically qualified to be the “right one” for you!  (Removes a ton of pressure, doesn’t it, fellow singles?  Truth is so liberating.)

Having said that, I would be remiss if I failed to mention this wise caveat that Greg Koukl once offered when speaking on the will of God in relationships:

“Since a Christian is obliged to live with the consequences of marriage [i.e., lifetime commitment/no divorce], he or she better use wisdom in selecting a spouse.  Marrying a nagging woman, for instance, may not be a sin; but it sure is stupid!” (See Proverbs 21:9 & 21:19.)

In the same vein, DeYoung emphasizes in Just Do Something that a man and woman should not only be equally yoked (i.e., genuinely born again/saved) before getting married, as the Lord commands, but also “plowing in the same direction,” so to speak, in the areas that matter most in life — namely, theology & ethics (which includes, believe it or not, politics).  For instance, it would not be wise or healthy for a conservative to marry a liberal, or for a Protestant to marry a Catholic, or for a longtime Christian to marry a new believer or one who is really immature in his/her faith.  I think he’s right.  The natural gender differences between men and women give rise to more than enough disputes as it is.  (Any disagreements there?!)  Accordingly, wisdom dictates that a couple ought to reconsider entering into the sacred contract of marriage if they butt heads with each other over deeply held spiritual or moral convictions, or political ideologies.  Simply put, the less strife, the better!  Who could argue with that?

Every Idea Has a History

Now, how did Western thinking on this subject become so royally messed up?  As C.S. Lewis observed, most, if not all, of the bad ideas people uncritically assume to be true, especially beliefs about sexuality, are embedded in our minds by Pop Culture — that is, influential books, songs, movies, and so forth, which I touched upon earlier.  Consider, for example, this unsettling quote from famed 20th-century writer Ernest Hemingway:

“About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.” –Death in the Afternoon, 1932

Yikes!  Do the words “straight jacket” and “padded cell” mean anything to you?  I wonder if Hemingway would have agreed that society should not condemn or hold accountable any robber, rapist, or serial killer who “feels good” after committing their crimes.  And since an amoral person never feels guilty after doing any evil deed, should society therefore give sociopaths a pass when they do wrong?  What becomes of justice on Hemingway’s view?  The answer:  It bites the dust.

Of course, Mr. Hemingway was married four times, reportedly had multiple affairs, and ultimately committed suicide.  What terrible, but completely avoidable, tragedy!  In my estimation, Hemingway, like all who reject God’s authority, invented his own moral code (i.e., a combination of ethical subjectivism and hedonism, in which pleasure — especially of the sexual kind — is the ultimate goal of life and measure of right and wrong) in a futile attempt to shut up his noisy conscience, suppress his nagging guilt, and justify his immoral behavior.

[Note:  When God, the Moral Lawgiver, is denied, anything goes.  Absent a fixed reference point of unchanging goodness and perfect justice, human beings are left to decide amongst our depraved selves what is good and what is evil.  But if matters of right and wrong are strictly relative to individuals or situations, then nothing is truly right or wrong in an objective, meaningful sense.  Instead, it’s one guy’s personal moral preference against another’s.  It’s my ethical philosophy versus Hemingway’s, and neither of us is really “wrong” or “right” in the end.  Terrifying notion.  Dostoevsky was correct:  “If God is dead, then everything is permissible.”]

Acclaimed filmmaker Woody Allen is another case in point.  When questioned by a Time magazine reporter about his controversial love affair with his ex-girlfriend’s adopted daughter, Allen romanticized, “The heart wants what it wants.  There’s no logic to those things.  You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.”  Boy, if ever there was a quote that captures the spirit of the view that love is an uncontrollable impulse not subject to moral judgment!  As wonky as his reasoning sounds — and it is — Woody Allen said two words that I happen to agree with:  no logic.  Therein lies the problem — such thinking is completely illogical.

Nevertheless, Western civilization, from the entertainment industry to the American Church, has bought into this nonsense hook, line, and sinker, and has propagated it for so long that at least two generations of people (X-ers and Millennials) now mistake lust for love, confuse physical attraction with supposedly “unchangeable,” “born-this-way” sexual orientation and identities (e.g., “heterosexuals,” “homosexuals,” “bisexuals,” “transsexuals,” the all-new “pansexuals,” the LGBTQI…XYZ community, etc.), and curiously put their chosen sexual behaviors — no matter how deviant, weird, or harmful — outside the boundaries of moral judgment.  (“You shouldn’t judge others, you bigot!”  “Why are you so judgmental, you [insert phobia or other ugly slur here]?!”  Ahh . . . you’ve just gotta love the self-refuting “tolerance” of the Left.)

The fallout from such assumptions is an ever-growing casualty list of broken hearts and shattered relationships, along with escalating incidents of divorce, adultery, promiscuity, STDs, cohabitation, abortion, illegitimacy, fatherlessness, domestic violence, and countless other social ills.  Without question, nasty ideas yield nasty consequences.

Taking Our Romantic Cues from Pagan Mythology?

Pastor-author Voddie Baucham came up with a suitable (and catchy) name for modern culture’s distorted view of love — one I now employ regularly when discussing this topic.  He calls it the Greco-Roman myth of romantic love.  I really like that, because it unveils both the pagan and the mythological origins of this kind of thinking — er, emoting.

[FYI:  A 15-minute portion of Voddie’s excellent sermon on “Biblical Love” is available here.  Please be sure to watch it, and take notes!]

Question:  What mythological figure do you picture when you think of love, romance, or Valentine’s Day?  Might it be that chubby little naked cherub who shoots people with his arrow, filling them with an overwhelming, all-consuming passion for someone?  Sound familiar?  Yep.  I don’t think there could be a more fitting symbol for the Greco-Roman myth of romantic love than ol’ Cupid (a.k.a. Eros) himself.

For decades, most Westerners (I can’t speak to Eastern views of love) have believed, against our better judgment, that love actually works that way, or pretty darn close to it.  But it’s high time we lay this myth to rest.

 

Love According to God:  A Principled Choice

Much to Cupid’s chagrin, in the world according to Jesus of Nazareth, love is always viewed as an intentional commitment of the will to the highest good and best interests of another, regardless of and, often, in spite of how one may feel toward the other person at a given moment.  In point of fact, Jesus said that all the laws of God are summed up in two paramount commandments:  “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength,” and “Love your neighbor [including your worst enemy] as yourself” (cf. Mark 12:23-34 and Matthew 5:43-48).

Significantly, when Jesus commands us to love God, as well as our neighbors and enemies, it seems rather obvious that He is not telling us that we have to feel a certain way toward those people.  Indeed, I don’t think I would be stirring up theological controversy by disclosing that I am unconvinced that Christ Himself, the sinless God-Man, felt “lovey-dovey” or “head over heels” toward the Sanhedrin, Pontius Pilate, Herod Antipas, or the Roman soldiers who savagely scourged, crucified, and speared Him through the heart.  I also find it hard to believe that Jesus, in His humanity, never felt the least bit annoyed or put off by some of the boneheaded things the disciples did, let alone the hypocritical antics and disingenuous questions routinely raised by the Pharisees and Saducees.  Assuredly, Jesus expressed great indignation (read:  righteous anger) when He exposed and severely denounced the hypocrisy of the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23, as well as when He drove out the thieves who had profaned His Father’s Temple (cf. Mark 11:15-18 and John 2:13-16).  As apologist Frank Turek occasionally reminds those who prefer to think of Christ as a wishy-washy pacifist, “Jesus was not Barney [the purple dinosaur] or Mr. Rogers.  No, He was a drill sergeant when He needed to be!”

Irrespective of what He may have felt, however, Jesus chose to love everyone, including the people who hated and hurt Him the most — from Judas Iscariot, to the centurions who gambled for His garments, to you and me — and He did so in the greatest way possible:  He voluntarily suffered more than the combined sufferings of all people throughout human history and willingly died for His worst enemies, even praying on their behalf as He was bleeding to death while nailed to a wooden cross.  What incomparable, inscrutable, immeasurable LOVE!

“When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left.  But Jesus was saying, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’  And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves” (Luke 23:33-34).

“For while we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will hardly die for a righteous man, though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.  But God demonstrates His own love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:6-8).

“This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters” (1 John 3:16).

Personally speaking, there are many times — and any honest Christian will admit to the same — when I don’t feel super spiritual, when I don’t feel close to Jesus, when I don’t feel like reading the Bible, praying, or following God’s will rather than my own.  Similarly, I don’t always feel affectionate toward my family and friends.  Indeed, there are plenty of times when I feel irritated, angry, and flat-out ticked off at loved ones!  You can relate, can’t you?

Be that as it may, if we are to live in harmony with God and man, we must tolerate the people who get under our skin, in spite of their flaws and sins and in spite of our fluctuating feelings toward them.  Demonstrating respect for other people (i.e., image bearers of God), even when they exasperate us, is a choice that we must purpose to act on, because it is the right thing to do.  Is it easy?  Absolutely not!  In fact, apart from the grace of God, it is impossible.  This is because human nature is bent toward self-interest.  Therefore, even as a Christian, it can be very challenging to die to my selfish desires and to esteem the wishes and needs of others as more important than my own.

Again, there are many occasions when I feel like putting my interests ahead of others’ and doing things my way instead of God’s way.  That is what my fallen flesh wants to do, but the Spirit of God who indwells me despises and continually wages battle with these sinful desires.  And so goes the spiritual warfare that every Christian engages in day after day.  The bottom line is this:  In order to love both God and fellow sinners, believers must continually discipline ourselves, through the grace and strength the Holy Spirit supplies, to do the things that we don’t want to do or feel like doing.

That said, given the erratic nature of feelings, I think it is of tremendous comfort to know that nowhere in the Bible does God intimate that loving others means that one must feel warm and fuzzy toward them.  What does He require of you, then?  Well, think of the vilest, meanest, most contemptible person you can imagine (how about Adolf Hitler?), or picture the one individual who has hurt you more than anyone else in your life.  (I’ve no doubt that you already had someone in mind before I finished the previous sentence.)  Regardless of how horribly that person may have sinned against you, the Lord commands you to forgive him/her, just as God has forgiven you (that is, if you are a Christian), and to release your bitterness and hatred for that person into His hands.  Such is the mark of authentic repentance (i.e., turning toward Christ and away from your sin).

However, what God does not require of you is that you feel a particular way about those who have done you harm, because He understands that people cannot control their feelings.  As Lewis astutely observed, loving your enemies does not mean that you necessarily have to like them, much less feel madly in love with them, nor does it mean that you must pretend as if they never really wronged you.  On the contrary, loving an enemy means that you resolve to extend to that person the same undeserved forgiveness that God has condescended to extend to all sinners and that you pray for his/her salvation and sincerely wish the Lord’s best for that individual instead of, say, suffering, misfortune, and eternal damnation in hell!

According to the Lord, the greatest expression of love is to lay down one’s life for another (John 15:13).  Knowing this, you and I ought to be willing to take a bullet for the biggest “scumbag” we can imagine, in the hopes that he would come to a saving knowledge of Christ and be saved from God’s wrath and eternal judgment.  In sharp contrast, desiring that our enemies “get what they deserve” and “burn in hell” would constitute the most extreme manifestation of hatred.  (Remember this sobering truth:  If you got what you really deserve, you would spend eternity in hell too.  Praise God for demonstrating His great mercy by sending us a Savior so we don’t have to get what we truly deserve!)

I think Lewis nailed it here:  Loving your neighbor, be it friend or foe, entails that you wish him well, show him kindness when given the chance, and, above all, share the Gospel with him and pray that he will come to know Christ as Savior and Lord — that is, that God would mercifully forgive and redeem that individual, make him a new creation, and transform his wretched life into one devoted to serving Christ — exactly as the Lord has graciously done for you if you have received His offer of salvation.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

The main point to remember, once again, is that loving someone is an act of the will.  Feelings, good and bad, inevitably will accompany that choice; but they should never dictate that choice.

Thus, in the biblical usage of the term, love is a disciplined choice that is both enabled and sustained by the grace of God, who, according to the Bible, is the very Source of love (cf. 1 John 4:8, 16).  Now that you know this, can you see how critical it is for marriages to be built upon and to remain connected to this Source?  You see, in Scripture, husbands and wives are instructed to love one another with the same type of unconditional, selfless love that God demonstrates to undeserving sinners (which includes all of us).  The Greek word for God’s love is agape, and this is the type of love that is absolutely essential in marriage.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.  The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 John 4:7-8, emphasis mine).

Happiness or Holiness?

Someone interjects, “I just want to be happy!  I want out of this marriage!”

Have you ever considered that God’s purpose for creating marriage and sex was not to make you “happy,” but holy (i.e., set apart) for His glory?  To be sure, when a man and a woman do things God’s way, happiness will occur on occasion; however, hardship will occur also, because marriages always involve two sinners!

But this is precisely why vows are made, isn’t it?  The fallenness and fickleness of human nature necessitates that marriage be safeguarded through a very serious and sacred contractual process.  When you say, “I do,” you are affirming before God and a crowd of witnesses that you comprehend and agree with the fact that you don’t get to bail out of this contract at the first sign of trouble or, Lord forbid, whenever you stop feeling “happy.”  (In all seriousness, if you are experiencing chronic sadness or gloom, there is a good possibility that you could be suffering from clinical depression, melancholy, or some similar mental or emotional health disorder that may require professional treatment.  Please don’t rule out this possibility.  Understand, however, that divorce will not cure your problem.)

And guess what?  If you do break your vows and abandon your spouse and/or children because you feel “unhappy” in your marriage and have convinced yourself that someone else has the ability to make you feel happy again (or happier, as the case may be), remember that difficult times and, yes, even “unhappiness” will inevitably come with your new fling as well (unless, of course, you have managed to find a perfect, sinless human being who isn’t the Son of God — good luck with that one).  And then what?  In your ongoing dissatisfaction with imperfect “partners,” will you remarry and divorce and remarry and divorce (each time throwing away another piece of your heart while taking another piece of someone else’s) and keep on breaking one sacred commitment after the other in your vain quest to find that perfect “soul mate” who can give you uninterrupted earthly happiness and Hollywood-quality romance?!  Please stop.  JUST STOP already!

Notice, the marital pledge between husband and wife is not conditional, as in, “I vow to love you until I fall out of love with you,” or “until I stop feeling a certain way toward you,” or “until your looks change.”  On the contrary, the marital pledge is unconditional, as in, “I will love you, take care of you, and sacrifice for you through the best and worst of times, until death separates us.”  Again, the reason couples pledge their lifelong commitment to each other through the vows of marriage (note the connotations of permanence and exclusivity in the words I keep emphasizing) is because they realize that feelings, desires, and attractions do, in fact, change!  In a marriage ceremony, no one ever promises to maintain a certain feeling or attraction for the rest of their lives, because they know this is literally impossible.  (Recall what Lewis said about this in the epigraph at the top of this article.)

Rather, the promises a bride and groom make to each other on their wedding day underscore the reality that marriage is a binding promise or covenant involving three people — the husband, the wife, and God — that seals the couple’s mutual commitment to each other and to Christ, and which is meant to protect this sacred union they have chosen to enter into both from internal threats (e.g., ever-changing emotions, familial strife, and the lustful desires of the sinful human heart), as well as dangers from without (e.g., financial hardship, job loss, and that attractive, flirtatious co-worker who wouldn’t think twice about seducing a married man/woman).

Therefore, for your own good and for the benefit of every type of relationship (not just romantic ones) you will ever have, I implore you to memorize the following definition of biblical love:

“Love is an act of the will, accompanied [but never led] by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of its object.  It’s a choice.  Jesus chose to love the Church.” –Voddie Baucham [emphasis mine]

Notice also that the Apostle Paul employs this definition in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6, as he repeatedly describes love as an action to be performed — that is, something that one does on behalf of another:

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” [emphasis mine]

Parting Advice

In closing, allow me to reiterate this point one final time.  Whether you are single or married, the most important relationship advice anyone could give you is this:

Always remember that love is not a fleeting emotion or experience that comes and goes on the whim of Cupid’s arrow.  To the contrary, love is an intentional, unconditional commitment to the best interests and highest good of the object of your commitment (in the case of marriage, that “object” would be your spouse), regardless of feelings, circumstances, or changes in appearance, health, wealth, etc.

The spiritually blinded culture in which we live just cannot seem to grasp this basic truth, but followers of Christ Jesus have been called to “come out from among them and be separate.”

Furthermore, do yourselves an enormous favor and get in the daily habit of studying the Bible (1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5:22-33, and Colossians 3 should be reviewed regularly), as well as the aforementioned Mere Christianity with your spouse or significant other.  And, singles, start reading Lewis now, before you get seriously involved with someone of the opposite sex.  I am not exaggerating when I say that no person should even consider getting married until he/she has read (and mastered!) the material in the chapters titled “Sexual Morality“ and “Christian Marriage.”  Both your conscience and your marriage will be grateful you did.

Finally, cling to Jesus, depend completely upon His grace, and wholeheartedly trust Him to empower you to walk faithfully in obedience to His glorious truth for the rest of your lives.  If He is not the foundation, center, and Lord of your life, relationships, and marriage, you can — if I may borrow a popular New York and New Jersey expression — fuhgettaboutit!